Bonding with your Child

Of course you love them – but have you been having difficulties bonding with your child?

bonding with your childMaybe despite the love, you feel distant from them, like they don’t need you or want you around? Or you just cannot understand them and their behaviour no matter how much you try? Maybe, no matter how much you tell them you love them, they don’t seem to believe you and keep on asking?

If you have answered yes to any of these, there may be an attachment disorder at work.

Attachment is the bond between caregiver and child, developed to help babies survive at a time when they are unable to care for themselves. Attachment bonds are important in the early years as a form of protection from danger, and this relationship forms a model for the child with which to interact with the world and people around them.

Signs of a Disrupted Attachment

Attachment difficulties are not well known and can be easily missed, or seen as a sign of another issue. Some signs you may observe which can be related to attachment difficulties are:

  • Bed/pants wetting past the stage of being developmentally appropriate;
  • Eating issues;
  • Avoiding eye contact;
  • Difficulty smiling;
  • Oppositional behaviour and anger;
  • Lying and stealing;
  • Excessive independence or reliance on caregivers;
  • Extreme separation anxiety or disinterest in caregiver;
  • Demands for attention which are age inappropriate;
  • Aversion to touch and physical affection;
  • Depression and suicidal behaviour in very young children;
  • Rejection of your efforts to soothe or comfort them;
  • Overly trusting with a poor concept of “stranger danger”;
  • “Freezing” or zoning out when around conflict;
  • Uninterested in interactive games or connecting with you;
  • Spending significant time rocking or comforting themselves.

Development of Attachment Disorders

Disruptions in attachment can occur for a variety of reasons. Fundamentally, attachment serves as a secure base for the child so that they can explore and experience the world, returning to the “secure base” where they receive physical and emotional nourishment, comfort and reassurance when distressed or frightened. A parent’s role is to provide freedom for exploration within safe limits, while providing this secure base for the child to return to and integrate their learning.

When this circle of leaving, exploration, return and integration is disrupted, attachment difficulties may result.

Attachment disruptions are based in the subjective experience of the child and caregiver. This means that while a parent may be meeting all the child’s needs, attachment concerns can still arise if the child’s perception of the experience is one of needs not being met, and vice versa. Attachment disruptions can occur from subjective experience of pain, risk, neglect of distress and trauma. Earaches in childhood can be a risk for disruption of attachment due to the subjective experience of pain for the child, and resulting damage of trust in safety from the carer, while the carer may feel helpless and distressed by seeing their child in pain and being unable to alleviate it.

The secure base is essential for the child to feel safe, protected and loved. When a child feels unsafe, an insecure attachment can result and the child learns to rely on themselves for safety. This is flawed as the child is not emotionally equipped to care for themselves, and they may become withdrawn, untrusting, and fearful of emotional expression.

When a child is not able to explore independently, their developing sense of self becomes confused and overshadowed by that of their carer’s. In this instance an enmeshed attachment develops, whereby the child may develop difficulties with separation anxiety and will take emotional cues from their parent and vice versa, taking on a parent role when the parent is distressed.

Poor attachment relationships can be passed down through generations as they are the only reference for developing a parent-child relationship the parent has. Breaking the cycle of poor attachments, therefore, requires awareness and assessment of the problem/s and a tailored treatment plan to address the disruptions, to return the relationship on a course to secure attachment.

Bonding with Your Child

Attachment bonds can be repaired through hard work.

For younger children, repair using the Circle of Security program is gaining support. This program assesses issues in the circle of exploration and return to the secure base and repairs relationships. It is based on a core understanding of the notion that insecure children misdirect their carers from basic attachment behaviour due to eliciting distressing emotions in their parents. The carer is then less available and thus begins the disruption in the attachment. The Circle of Security intervention helps carers understand the attachment process and be “bigger, stronger, wiser and kind” to meet the child’s attachment needs in a way which contains their own emotion.

attachment and bonding

A common component of treatment is the development of a corrective experience of attachment. The parent or carer will become this figure for the child, while the therapist may become a figure of attachment for the parent. As poor attachments can be passed down through generations, it is not uncommon for a carer of a child with disrupted attachment to have experienced problems with attachment themselves, and providing the corrective experience for their child is incredibly difficult if you have never been provided with a helpful model. The therapist will become an attachment figure to provide support and safety to the parent to explore their own difficulties implementing the treatment program.

When spending quality time with your child, try to follow their behaviours and interests, reflecting their learning, while not being intrusive. Allow your child to come to you with discoveries, reinforcing their learning through interest and praise, overt talking at this stage is less helpful than your non-verbal attention.

When verbalising with your child, try to focus on labelling their emotional experience to help them identify emotions, and their links with causes. In these situations, all emotion should be reflected back, positive and negative, teaching your child that all emotions are normal, and manageable.

When working with attachment issues with children, parents learn to be:

  • Involved: Involvement and attention reassures your child that you are there for them consistently and prepared to meet their needs.
  • Responsive: Awareness of your child’s present state allows fast response to their joy or distress, confirming your role as a secure base, while allowing independent exploration.
  • Attuned: Being attuned to your child’s emotional response allows them to build trust in you and your care, and provide fundamentals for empathy development.
  • Contained: By containing your own emotions, you are able to help your child see how emotions are normal, yet manageable, and help them to contain their own in a healthy way, leading to less suppression or over-expression of emotion.

Tips for Parents

As a parent it is important to manage and contain yourself to effectively repair a disrupted attachment.

  • Support: Social support is essential; ask for help before it is required to help ensure you don’t become too stressed.
  • Self-care: Take care of yourself with a good diet and exercise regime, ensuring quality sleep is a priority and scheduling time in for pleasure and reinforcing relationships with loved ones.
  • Set realistic expectations: Repairing disruptions in attachment can be a long process, particularly when trauma is involved or you are not the primary care giver. Focus on small successes and set short term goals to improve motivation.
  • Patience: Hand in hand with realistic expectations comes patience. There will be setbacks and times when the relationship is trying, try to maintain your calm where possible, having a break when needed.
  • Have hope: Above all hope is essential. Though the situation may have become dire, this is the first step to improvement and your child will take their cue for hope for attachment repair from you. So if there are doubts and misgivings, try to seek social support.

If you are experiencing difficulties bonding with your child, or maybe just feel unsure and would like to discuss it further, I welcome you to make an appointment.

Dr Rose Gillett Clinical PsychologistAuthor: Dr Rose Gillett, B Psych (Hons), D Psych (Clin), MAPS.

Rose Gillett is a Brisbane Clinical Psychologist, working with children, adolescents, adults and couples. She is passionate about helping her clients achieve their goals, and has particular interest areas in attachment concerns in adults and young people, PTSD, and alcohol and drug addiction.

To make an appointment with Clinical Psychologist Dr Rose Gillett, call M1 Psychology (Loganholme) on (07) 3067 9129 or you can try Online Booking.


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